I guess I'm hopeless. :-(

Well... life is pretty bad for me right now. I've been on an emotional roller coaster since my last post here. I wrote Meggan a little poem and a short letter and left it at her door for her a while back. I hadn't seen her at the apartment though, yet the letter vanished. So, I called her just to confirm that she got it and instead, I was invited over to "talk" with a couple of her friends from work. They were nice enough, but mildly intoxicated and I got to hear an ear full of religion. Being agnostic, that's not really my 'thing', but what could it hurt, right? The one girl continued on to tell me how I survived my suicide atempt for a reason and that Meggan had been missing me really bad. I was a bit skeptical of that fact, but I love her so badly that it really didn't matter, I was just enjoying the encouragement, as I haven't had much of that lately. She told me that I needed to accept God and he would help me get my family back. Sounded steriotypical to me, but I opened my mind for a moment and let it all in.

A while later, after her friends were done talking to me, Meggan and I went to the bedroom to talk. I asked her how much of this I was supposed to buy into... is this also how she felt and did I need to accept God to help put us back together? She said it couldn't hurt and after some more discussion, she told me I could come home the following day! I was on top of the world! My babies, my wife and me, just the way it's supposed to be! The next day she came here and told me Ashleigh wanted me to pick her up from school! I was SOOOOOOOOO HAPPY! We left to go to the school and I reminded Meggan how much I love her and the girls. We got to school and Ash was really happy to se me! After that, we went to the video store because Meggan wanted to watch a couple movies. Then we went grocery shopping together. All four of us as a family! Life felt so beautiful! We went home, put the girls to bed and then had some really great make-up sex that'd been built up for a month. We both decided we were still trying to get pregnant, which made me very happy! I'm still very anxious to meet little Keith Michael-Lawrence or IO Joanne-Jean Marsh! Everything felt so good, and all was right with the world again.

The next morning, I woke up, got the girls breakfast, let the cable guy in to hook up our TV/internet and snuggled with Meg on the couch for a while. I suggested we get enroute to get the divorce paperwok canceled before we were unexpectedly divorced, heh. She called the county and they said we needed to go to the court house to sign some papers to have it canceled. Meggan said we could go the next day because she only had to work till noon and thus would have plenty of time to do it. She left for work at noon and I began doing the normal house work. I washed the dishes, put the clean laundry in the bedroom, showered, shaved, took the trash out, replaced the trash bag, played with the girls a little, fixed the bathroom fan and then cooked a nice corned beef roast for dinner. I was a little worse for wear, but happy and warm in my heart.

Meggan came home from work around five. She didn't say much and I could tell something was bothering her. I asked what was on her mind and she told me she wasn't comfortable with our situation and that I had to leave. I was instantly crushed. What happened? I gave her several oportunities the night she told me to come home to take it back if she was unsure, but she wouldn't. I love her so much and miss her so bad. What do I have to do? As out of character as it was for me, I had done what her friend said and accepted God and hoped that it really would help. I thought it actually had, but I guess I was wrong. We had agreed to work things out over time and go to counceling and all that, but obviously, we never got the chance as she booted me back out the door within about twenty-four hours.

Meggan, if you're reading this, I love you so much baby. I'm trying so hard to give you your space, but you have no idea how bad I hurt every day and every night. Every waking moment in general. I miss you so much that my entire body just aches. I need you and my girls in my life to be worth a damn. Without you guys I'm a useless pile of trash. I can't even think straight. I NEED YOU SO BAD! We're not like everyone else in this god-forsaken town and our marriage is NOT a throw-away. We share something SO special. PLEASE don't forgett this, ever! I'm sorry your mother doesn't want us together, but she's not your husband, I am. It's not her life, it's mine... ours... our kids. Why would you be so upsett about Leanne if you didn't want me anymore. I know deep in your heart that you need me as much as I need you... you have to... you wouldn't have faught so hard to win me over when we met if you could just throw this away. I'll never be anything without you. You are my whole world, hunny.

Please download this and think about me for a few minutes today. It would mean the world to me if you would: Download Here

~KM