Could this be the end? Is it over now? (Things are finally coming to a close)

The first part of the title is song lyrics from a beautiful song I like. I'll post it here for anyone who's interested in hearing it: Ars Nova - Could This Be The End? The second part of the title is just a description of what's happening.

So Meggan has grown quite cowardess and is terrified and refuses to speak to me, write me or see me. This is a trait she gained from her mother. She knows I hold nothing against her, yet she's too afraid to say goodbye to me. Still I love her.

I guess she has a new boyfriend and she has removed all our pictures from her belongings. She's taken down our frog board from the door and has been telling people how I always treated her like shit and called her "female" and nothing else. Anybody who knows us, already knows different, so I guess it's just to impress her new guy. It makes sense. She told me the same thing about all her previous relationships prior to me. I bet they weren't that bad. Maybe even good guys, who knows? I've never treated her like anything other than a princess and I don't think I've EVER called her "Female". There's about 20 different cutsie names we always called eachother... female was not one of them.

After all this has taken place, I've decided I need to start living for myself for once. I've been moving around some lately and planning my new life elsewhere. I still wont cheat on Meggan 'till the divorce is official because that's the one thing I pride myself in is loyalty.

I have hours and hours of things I could tell you Meggan has done to me, and all the stuff I've done for her that have aperently gone completely un-noticed and on and on and on, but I'm not bitter. I won't be a sour, vengeful person. We'll never be together again, but I still love her. It's just that I've spent too much time grovelling to her to scrape me up off the ground and love me. I've kissed her butt for the past 3 years or so and I just can't do it anymore. I'm not even a man anymore in my own mind.

There's so many beautiful memories of us, that it's really sad for me to be doing all this, but she doesn't have the same memories, so there's no hope for us now. For one reason or another, she's corrupted all our memories and made them something they aren't. Maybe it's easier for her to push me away if she thinks she hates me. I hope she doesn't do it to every man she ever decides to be with, if for no other reason than for the sake of the girls. They don't need to grow up with that confusion. My plan was always for them to grow up with both natural parents and witness a fully functional family so that they'd know what's right and what's wrong, but Meggan doesn't hold my same values I guess. My parents were divorced and hers arent, so I guess we both wanted the opposite for ourselves. I'm not sure why somebody would throw away a completely stable, loving family to go play the field, but hey... some people see the world differently I guess.

As I finish typing this line, I am now removing my wedding band once and for all. I'm very sad in doing so, but I have to keep hope in my heart and look towards the future for a new, better life. One where I might be treated as an equal and not as a door mat that's occasionally used for sexual satisfaction. I really believe she did love me, but not in the last few years. You don't just get married and have a big family with someone for the hell of it. There must have been love involved at some point, right?

Anyways, I guess that's all I can say for now. I'm moving away soon, but I'll still get on to check my messages from all of you on myspace when I can get a chance. I'd like to thank all the people that have been a huge supportive safety net for me over the last few months.

Meggan, even though you're the cause of everything, you still helped me sometimes when I needed it. Sharon, my sister who has been helping me since this whole thing started. Leanne, you've been my only strength. Without you I couldn't go on. Shane for talking to me every day and trying really hard to put me in a better mindstate. Brandy for giving me so much in the way of support, a roof, food when I decide to eat and everything else. Hugo, though you don't say much, I know you honestly care, and that means alot to me. You're kinda like a little brother to me man. You keep me in a good mood some of the time. Meggan's friend (I think her name was Amy) for being really cool and trying to help us get back together. Know I wanted to do anything so bad, but Meg wouldn't give us that chance. Ashleigh & Charon for showing me they still love their daddy. My sisters boyfriend, Will, for being very supportive. TGM from DVD Spot for not hating me and actually giving a shit from time to time. Shannon for comforting me and saying so many nice things that I think I needed to hear and for helping me to the best of her abillity. You and Rob are great people. AMFP from Mt. Pleasant, we'll get on that shit soon bro. Beckie for continuous support and for being a sweetie over all. You're a great support group, haha. And anyone that my mind is too scrambled to remember right now, don't be mad, I've just got alot to do and it's a pretty rough road ahead. Forgive me.

Talk to you all soon,
~KM