Hmm... where do I start? Ah, I guess by saying that the lack of bloggage is due to not having internet access for a couple weeks now. Times are tough for everyone around this time of year in Michigan, and the folks I'm staying with just got their service restored yesterday morning.
Alot of things have happened since my last entry here. Meggan and I are speaking again... not on top notch terms, but good enough to make me feel happy and content for the time being. She's polite to me 80% of the time, but if one of her friends wants to visit and I'm there, I get the boot. I feel she's embarased of me, which really hurts me, but she says she's just not comfortable having me around her (mostly male) friends. That it's ackward. I guess I can understand that, but it doesn't change the fact that it hurts my feelings. However, I respect her wishes and try to be as cooperative as I can so as not to make her feel uncomfortable.
We had a little bit of truth or truth talk the other day and I was informed that she is infact not seing anyone right now, but does have a prospect that she intends to pick up on after our marriage is legally ka-put. She's also told me she still loves me because I was her first true love. Do I believe she still loves me? Yes. Do I feel like there's a chance we'll get back together any time soon? No. While I do believe she does love me, I think, to her, the temptation of someone new is too over-powering for me to compete with. I could win the lotto, buy her a home in Spain and shower her in gifts and I don't think it would compare to the idea of a new love life in her eyes. I think fantasy is 100x as strong as reality to her and so, she'll persue this other relationship without thinking twice about me. Understandable, people like new, exciting things, it's our nature. Which brings me to my next set of thoughts...
Am I sane? It's been two months since she left me and I still can't shake the horrible feelings of being alone and terrified of all this. Shouldn't I feel some small bit better about myself by now? Shouldn't I have come to terms with the fact that she doesn't want me back and just start to try and move on? Actually, I have tried. Tried and failed. I wake up every day thinking about her. I fall asleep every night thinking about her. When we visit, it's hard not to just grab her, hold her and bawl my eyes out. Why am I so stuck in this condition? Am I just insane, or is it something else? I don't know the answer to these things. What I do know, is that I love her so much, that when I go to see her, I almost always end up giving her a foot and back massage and that it feels like an hour of pure heaven to me. I miss the way her soft skin feels in my hands, the way she always smells so sweet and knowing that she is enjoying herself. I've always given her these things, but every once in a while I used to complain about it. Rarely, but still... it's true what they say. You really don't know what you've got 'till it's gone. I really miss being home with my beautiful wife, always taking care of her and doing whatever I could that I thought would make her happy.
While the heartache is still there, we are, at the moment, trying to be good friends. I really enjoy her company and I think she even enjoys mine from time to time. Not as much as I enjoy hers I'm sure, but still, I feel like sometimes she just likes that I'm around. Even if she doesn't want to be a couple anymore, I think she is fond of me in the sense that we really can be good to eachother without too much real effort. I have to choke back emotion sometimes and she has to be somewhat forgiving of my mild slips in her presense, but I mean overall, we do get along. We had a nice night together tonight. Not all night or anything, but I think we both had a pleasant time. We talked a little about this and that while I gave her a massage, and that always gives me a sense of self-worth and her a more relaxed body I'm sure. Heh.
So I guess in short, I believe she still loves me, though she's since said she's not IN love with me, but I don't see us together anytime soon. Do I think we'll ever be together again? Yes. Why? Because it's the only little glimmer of hope, be it false or not, that I have left in this life. I honestly believe that I will be a miserable mess for a long time, but I'll wait for her forever. If she never remembers what we shared and never comes back to me, then I believe I'll die alone and sad. I honestly believe I can never move on from this. You can't just give up on someone you truely love. Like I said, maybe I'm sick in the head, I really don't know why I feel the way I feel. I guess it's just what's in my heart and in my soul. It doesn't mean anything to her, but it's part of who I am. You'll never find a more loyal person, this I promise.
There's alot more I could write here. Tons more. But because it's 5 AM now and I'm tired... and due to the fact that Meggan asked I not be too in-depth with my public writing anymore because of some people who like to read here, then hound her for answers, I'll stop writing for now. I'll just end this one with a big <3 and say to anyone that reads this and speaks to Meggan, please, just tell her I love her and miss her. I know it's my fault for blogging the details of my life, but please be respectful. I'm sure we'd both appriciate it.
~KM
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