THE LIFE & DEATH OF A MAN NAMED KEITH

My Family

2010-09-21T14:59:00.000-07:00

Hey... It's been a year or more... probably more like 2 years now, but I thought I'd drop by here again just to share some things. Meggan and I have been back together for a year now and things are just as smooth as the day we met. I couldn't ask for more.

I wanted to post a few things about my wife, my daughters and my father.

Meggan: Meggan has always been my heart & soul, my partner in life, my everything. We've had our moments over the past nine years, but overall, it's been amazing. I look at her today and see the woman I've always drempt of, the mother of my three beautiful daughters and so much more. I appriciate her as no other could, or ever will, for all the right reasons, and some reasons beyond me. I'll never leave her side, and now I can see she will never again leave mine.

Ashleigh Marie: Ashleigh has ment so much to me. She was my first baby and such a landmark in my life. One I never thought I'd set. She is the beautiful vision of love and kindness that parents dream their children will be. Ashleigh taught me who I was... who I am today is because of her, and I couldn't have made the life I have without her. She makes me proud almost every day with her broad range of interests and abilities.

Charon Skye: Charon is the embodiment of what childhood is. She's the spitting image of myself from 25 years ago, but with more excitement and curiosity for life. She brings smiles wherever she goes and always brings down the house with her antics. A born comedian. She loves being a little sister, but more so, enjoys her role as big sister. Whenever I need a laugh, I go to her and she never fails to amuse me. She's very outgoing and makes friends every time she goes out. I don't think I've ever met anyone who didn't just rave over her silly dancing, joke telling, goofy faces and great sense of humor.

Io Joanne~Jean: Io is my little daddy's girl. My one true fan in this world. She is my daily inspiration, my reason to respect myself as a father and my little shining star. If I had half the integrity she has, I would be some kind of super hero. As much as she has been in the hospital for this and that... as many life altering problems she has been diagnosed with... as many tears as we as parents have shed over her, she still peers into our hearts with her little crystal-like eyes and shows us the biggest smiles in the whole world. She doesn't care about what's wrong, she cares about what's right. I've never seen a smile that could melt ice... until Io's. She is perfect in a way no one else would ever understand.

Mark: My dad has had a rough life. Yet somehow has always been there for me in one form or another. He's always been more of a friend than a parent, but he's also done alot for me and my sister over the years. He's the best grandfather the girls could wish for and they let him know it. He accepts my choices in life, even when he doesn't agree with them. He's always there to talk & joke with. We don't always get along, and down right piss eachother off at times, but he's still one of my bigest influences and a true idol in my life. I've always felt like my father was the best man he could be and I always hoped to be as honest, giving and un-selfish as he is. He still to this day is the most honest person I know. I will always look up to him and love him.

That's all for now. Maybe I'll be back here to post more another day... maybe I wont.
~KM

Content with just being.

2009-04-19T02:23:00.001-07:00

Meggan, I'll always love you, but I understand things better and am thinking so much more clearly now. I'm sorry it had to happen the way it did & I may never fully understand WHY it did, but I think you'd agree with me when I say that we're both better off now.

I'm ready to begin a new life. It will never be the same and it will be hard, but I believe it will be better & I think you agree. We may never have been ment for eachother in the long run, but the time we spent in eachothers lives was not a waste. I think we both needed eachother to grow and progress, but that time has passed. I thank you from the depths of my heart for everything you've taught me about life, love & myself.

I would love nothing more than to see my babies, but you'll tell me when YOU'RE ready. If you write me, you'll write me, and if not, then you won't. I'm not writing this directly to you, but as a release to myself on my personal page. Unless YOU decide otherwise, you will always be my friend. Maybe not in the sense we had hoped we would be friends after we parted ways, but none-the-less, friends.

There are many things I'd love to talk about... all of them good, none of them bad, but we'll save it for a day when we can sit face-to-face with eachother accross a table, or in some other pleasent setting. For now, please just take care of our beautiful girls and let them know that their daddy would give his life for them & that that will never change.

My time grows shorter by the hour, and yet, I feel completely at ease & know that life after my dues are paid will be a new place for me to explore. I'm actually curious and happy with it. This is not to say that I'm walking away with no sadness in my heart, but that I have accepted our lives for what they are instead of trying to twist them into something that they aren't and just having it turn into a grotesque misconception of that.

You are forever in my heart as I hope I am in yours.

I regrett a recent 1/2 second of our lives, but otherwise, would change nothing. We have helped eachother as far as we are able.

Your ever-sharing life student/teacher,
Keith

2009-03-21T17:24:00.001-07:00

For the past 8 years, I have shaped my life around a family that I loved, respected & cherished wholeheartedly. Nothing in this world could break the bonds that I shared with my wife. I honored, ney, worshiped her. All this out of a haphazard relationship with a clingy girl who begged me to marry her and give her children

Over those years, we had become what most only dream of, and held our heads high with the knowledge of how fortunate we both were to have found our one true match in life while others grasped at the hopes and dreams that we were lucky enough to have truely been blessed with... or so it seemed.

However, on August 7th, 2008, my wife, for reasons unanounced to myself, decided the fairytale was over. She took my children, left me, filed a restraining order and set a divorce in motion.

Since that day, we have had our up's & down's. One day she will comfort me and lay with me, ending the night in a romantic love-making session. The next, she will be cross, hurtful and ignorant to anything other than her own imediate needs.

Over those 8 glorious years, I have forgiven her many times for cheating, lying, deceiving & in many other ways, hurting me. Reguardless of her infidelities, I never once treated her different on a grand scale. Always supporting her every move and helping her through her hardest of times.

I dedicated my life to making our family what she had always drempt of and put any of my wishes on the back burner until I was sure she was completely happy.

Nearly 4 days ago now, we came to the date of our divorce. She imediately (the next night), slept with a man she had been chasing since... guess when... August of 2008.

Meggan, I could go on for days about the mistakes you've made in your life as of late. I really could. Honestly, it's not worth it. But when you figure out that the "I'm not ready" line is a common one used to get away from a clingy woman after the man has already got what he wants, or figures out he's not going to get it in a timely fashion, I won't be waiting for you. Not again... not this time. One day you will remember what we had and hate yourself for letting go of it.

Me? I have to live with my choices every day. And while I was always loyal to you and was always honest with you, you truely didn't deserve me to begin with. I have no regrets. You will always hold a place in my heart that is very dear to me, but you will never hurt me again.

For now, I'm sure all of this means very little to you, as there's too many "hot guys" to have sex with for you to waste any time having any serious thoughts about life, lasting relationships or true love, but god willing, you will understand and feel the pain you have given me one day.

I'm feeling a change comming. For years, I have had women question me about my satisfaction in my marriage & offer an alternative. Some of them I have actually cared for or had somewhat of a bond with, yet I always remained true to my wife. In short, I've never had any problems attracting women. Maybe now is time to explore lifes other options. I've threatened it before in hopes of a change in heart on her behalf, but hey... she's proven again and again that she's not interested. So to all the girls that have watched this situation and wondered, wonder no longer. I AM single. Not to say it's time to whore it up, but I am one person again. I am sick with sorrow, and may not want to jump into any relationships, but I am open to moving on... once and for all.
~Keith Earl Marsh

And theeeeen...

2009-03-18T14:24:00.000-07:00

It's official. As of about 2:30PM Today, I'm divorced. I guess I wasn't expecting it to go so quickly. Basicly the judge asked Meggan a few questions, understood that I didn't agree to the divorce, but decided not to ask me why and declaired us officially divorced. End of story.

Just for the record, I gave her the best 8 years of marriage any woman could have ever hoped for. Our marriage was pretty much story-book'esque untill she just snapped one day. She's changed her reason so many times that I'm not sure she even knows why this happened anymore, but I guess it doesn't matter. She will openly admitt (to me anyways) that I was always good to her and treated her like a princess. However, when it comes to other men, she plays the "Oh he was so mean to me, so pitty me and maybe I can get laid" card. I pretty much saw that much comming because when we got together I heard so many horror stories about her past relationships. Basicly the same exact things that are now coming out of her mouth about me.

I wish I could just pick up and move on, but I love my children and that will always tie me to Meggan in one way or another. It's going to take some time to get my head back on straight and continue MY life.

I feel like after today I can safely say I'm not IN love with her after how cold she's been through all of this, but I do still love her... as anyone would love the mother of their children and life partner of several years. You don't just throw people away... at least, I don't... she might if she had the chance. There's already several other men that she's all goofy about, so whatever. It's the same 'stalk & rape' type of shit that she pulled on me when she met me. Whoever she doesn't scare away with that will I'm sure end up knowing how she can be and I feel bad for them... and her. Why her? Because the way I see it, she'll never be able to settle down with someone with the intent or ability to keep a healthy relationship.

That said, I don't wish her anything she doesn't deserve. I ment no hate or bad will in anything I've said. Some may hate my honesty, some may pitty me, some may not care either way. I'm not looking for opinions or pitty or support, I'm simply outing my inner pains.

~KM

It's been a while, so here's this.

2009-01-17T13:53:00.000-08:00

Alot of people wonder (for some reason) and ask me what's new, what's happening in my life and whats up between Meggan and I. So...

Things went from bad to worse after christmas. Meggan decided I wasn't going to live with her and the kids anymore and after the dawn of the new year, tossed me out... again.

I moved on without much argument and am staying elsewhere now. Got my cable internet hooked up there and everything, WOOT! lol.

So since then, we've been talking and everything. I stay with the kids alot while she works and whatnot. I usually end up staying the night and being seduced... not complaining. The sex has been suprisingly good. We've been fucking like we're damn teenagers again, which is cool by me I suppose. It's always good to break off a really nice piece of ass at the end of every day to help you sleep really good.

Of course there's the emotional attachment there too, but it's not bothering me as much as it used to. I actually think she's more aware of that aspect than I am. We've discussed things and figure we'll get back together at some point, but I for one am in no hurry. I'd rather just try to enjoy what I have and live life by myself for a while. My priorities are screwy right now, but I'm doing fair.

My 29th birthday is fast approaching and I think I'll take the time and money to really enjoy myself this year. I haven't done anything like that in many years. So without the responsibilities and obligations of a wife and family holding me back from it, I guess I'll go nuts for a night or two and just be me. If you're in the area and have any ideas, hit me up sometime soon and let me know what's up.

Sold off a handfull of my blu-ray movies in order to get the internet installed (to the tune of $79.99), but still have a nice BR/DVD collection. Since DVDSpot closed last year, I've moved my collection to this site: http://foof.dvdaf.com
You can click the owned tab from there (under my picture) and view my collection, or click my wish list and see what I'm looking for (theres only a very few on my wish list right now).

I've been downloading alot of movies from torrent sites (mainly mininova.org) lately and watching some good stuff. I always buy what I like, just nice to be able to preview some movies before buying them. The Day The Earth Stood Still was pretty good. Also got lucky and found a screener download of My Name Is Bruce (the new Bruce Campbell movie). It's great... I knew it would be, lol. A few other good movies I've downloaded are:

Zach and Miri Make A Porno (Comedy/Romance) 6/10
Eden Lake (Suspence/Horror) 6/10
Lakeview Terrace (Thriller/Suspence) 7/10
House (Horror - I was hoping it was a remake of the 80s film but it was still okay) 5.5/10
Alien Raiders (Sci-Fi/Horror) 7/10
Jurassic Fight Club Season One (Educational/Fantasy/Science) 9/10
The Wackness (Teen/Drama/Comedy) 8/10
War of the Worlds 2: The Next Wave (Sci-Fi/B-Flick) 7/10
Family Guy Presents Blue Harvest (Animation/Parody) 5/10
Bedtime Stories (Comedy) 5/10
Teeth (Horror/Comedy/B-Flick) 9/10

So other than that, Socom Confrontation just released a patch with trophy support, and the trophies are hard stuff. It's going to take some time invested to unlock them. And on that note, Hermus got me into this site that has a trophy card creator so you can collect and display your PS3 trophies:

PS3 Trophies

Not much else going on, just trying to make it day by day.
~KM

Some people...

2008-12-28T12:53:00.000-08:00

Some people make poor choices in their lives that come back to bite them in the ass.
Some people don't realize that the police know certain things that hang in an ackward balance that can have several outcomes depending on how some other people decide to tip the scales based on how they're treated.
Some people know how to cover their asses and some people aren't mentally capable of understanding that they're about to fuck themselves.
Some people let certain information slip due to unpredictable people so that the first person has the second by the gonads without the second ever knowing what's going on.
Some people play games to the extent of making others step back and re-evaluate their standings and make things a bit more comfortable for themselves.
Some people are even stupid enough to play into others hands to the point of getting themselves screwed just by speaking the truth (the state should love this one...).
And finally... some people should have appriciated what they had before they decided they were going to shit on somebody else for no reaso other than they're a total cunt.

I will forever outsmart you, your mother and anyone you try to have coach you through the idiocy THEY feel should be YOUR life.
I played dumb and played nice for too long... have fun, slut. No more hiding behind me...
Should have listened while you had the chance.
Heh... some people... ;-)
~KM

Dear Meggan,

2008-11-15T17:41:00.000-08:00

Know what I miss the most? When you would look into my eyes and smile and just share the moment. Everything was always okay when we were together. It makes me sad to know that it’s gone now. I understand, and I’m starting to lose the feelings too, it’s just hard to let go and leave us in the past. It’s like the one thing that was never supposed to happen. We were together forever and then some and nobody could ever change it... then it just changed. I guess true love can never exist between two people, just from one person to another. Our ’love at first sight’ turned into ’why can’t we love eachother anymore?’

I’m losing my best friend and I’ll never get her back. I’ve never had a friend like you before... and I never will again. We’ve done so much together and shared so many things... our first child, our first love, our first marriage, our first home, our first new family, and so much more. I can’t imagine not having eachother to protect one another from the harsh outside world. I always thought we took eachother away to a better place, but now you’ve forgotten how to get to that place, and I’m all alone there. Kinda defeats the purpose of having that place at all.

Now, it just hurts to look at you and not have you run to my arms and lay your head against my chest with that look of eternal happines in your sparkling eyes. Instead now, I have to watch you go about your business as if we never were. I wish I had the power to be as disconected as you are. But every time I try, my heart breaks again. I want to let go, but I know I’ll drown in lonlyness if I do. The further I drift from you, the darker it gets. The bright light of loves dawn has faded into a midnight of disgust and hate. Why did we ever start something that YOU couldn’t finish?

"I’ll never leave you", "Forever", "I promise", "We were made for eachother", "True love", "We are soulmates"... all things you’ve said time and again that were lies... and every one of them hurts. I don’t understand, but I forgive you. You will always be my one and only and I really will never give up on you. You mean too much to me... but maybe you’ll be happy with someone who will lie to you, cheat on you and never truely love you. Maybe it’s what you want. Maybe I was TOO good to you. Yet you lie to your "friends" and tell them off the wall things about me to make yourself feel vindicated by turning me into something I never was. You KNOW I’ve never treated you like anything less than a princess. I’ve ALWAYS supported you and my children and contributed valuable assetts in one way or another. I’ve always been proud of you and proud to be with you. When someone would talk behind your back, I was always there to defend you. When I saw your "friends" being hurtful or using you, I told you. Sometimes you believed me, sometimes not, but it always came out in the wash and you always thanked me for being who I am.

You’re my baby and I love you,
~KM

PS. Digest that, think about it and write back with your feelings. Not a couple words just to dodge the thought, but take time to be real with me. Write it in private so that you can be open and not have to hide anything.

2008-11-13T18:23:00.000-08:00

I gues now, after everything that's happened, Meggan has decided we're not going to work things out and that my time here is rather limited. Aftereverything I've done, her crying for me to come back, she just can't appriciate me. I gues everything happens for a reason. I still won't give up on her. I'm her soulmate and her husban. I wish she would understand what she's doing, not only to me and the girls, but to herself. I guess things could change, but I don't know.

As I said though, I refuse to give up on her. We're still best friends and we still like to be around eachothe most of the time I think. She's just too confused. I'd love to be able to help her think clearly for a day, but nothing I've tried is working. We had several REALLY good days together, then she just decided we weren't happy.

It's all up in the air for now, but I gues I'm just job hunting for now to try to get back out on my own. Might take a bit of time, and I hope she can be understanding of that, but right now, I'm making it top priority to give her the things she needs in life (other than myself) and move out of her way.

Leigh, if you read this, none of it is ment to upset you or sound rude. Just the bare facts for now. I hope everything is okay for/with you.

I Love You,
~KM
2003-2009

Me and my soulmate.

2008-11-09T16:51:00.001-08:00

Meggan asked me to leave her and let her have time to think about everything, so I left with a good friend and got out of town. I left while she was at work so that it wouldn’t be so hard on me to go.

When she got home from work, she got ahold of me on yahoo and on myspace and we talked. She was really confused about everything, but by the end of our talking, she asked me to come live with her because she couldn’t stand me being where I was and not with her. She told me she’d secretly hoped I would still be there when she got home from work.

SO... I came back to her... a 2 hour drive.... at 4am. What is love? Is that it? If not... wow. I caused someone some hurt with that one, but I can’t leave my baby like this:

I don’t know what to think right now, but I believe we’ve come to agree that we WILL be together again, but we need to work on some things and she still needs time to think everything over. We snuggle up every night and it feels good and feels right and I believe she will bring our family back together soon.

I really felt that she wanted me to leave or else I never would have. I believe the only way to go from here is up and we’ll slowly progress back to our loving relationship.

Maybe I’m wrong, but does anybody know another man that would have put up with everything I’ve been through and still be with their woman? I gues maybe I’ve decided I’m actually worth something. I want to be with Meggan. She’s my soulmate and my first and only true love. I’m sorry to anyone who has tried to have a relationship with me thinking I could love them the same as I love her, but I never can. She is my heart & soul and always will be no matter what. If she came home tonight and shot me in the face, stabbed me in the back and poisoned my drink, I’d still love her unconditionally. I just hope she realizes it before I have to settle for a 2nd rate life somewhere else. I fel like I deserve to be happy, and for whatever reason, that means being with her for life, death and beyond. It’s her choice. I’m a fool for her.

Forever,
~KM

Yeah...

2008-10-30T15:25:00.000-07:00

I don't know how motivated I am to type lately... obviously not much, as it's been quiet on this page for a minute. I guess the less I'm here typing, the more time I'm spending with my wife and kids. Things are going good lately, alot of kissing and cudling lately... occasionally a booty call, but more importantly, a feeling of self-worth and some sense of love returning.

Some folks I know from a mesage board I frequent were concerned that I hadn't been around in a while, and so I responded with a quick post which I will re-post here to avoid having to re-type the same things. My post there read as follows:

I'm 'alive' I guess.

Been spending alot of time with my wife lately. We're doing good, but she's still set on divorce, or so she says. I dunno, sometimes she acts like nothing ever happened and we're fine, but when I start to think things are okay, she drops one of those "Maybe some day, but not now" bombs on my head and I ride the rollercoaster some more.

I guess it's more good times than bad right now, but I'm still depressed.

As far as Socom goes, shit's dope. I haven't been on a whole lot since we started spending our time together again, but I love that fuckin game. Resurrected my clan from S3 (Elite Delta, [ELT]) and runnin with about an 8 man group. Set up a Squad and a Doubles on GameBattles, but haven't got too far with that so far. Played 2 Doubles with my partner and we lost both, so we're in need of some touching up, but we'll get there.Just too busy trying to put my life back together right now and bring my wife back to reality.

Today is our 5th wedding anniverary.

Tomorrow we're going to Hallowicked to blow off some steam and have fun (not that ICP is my idea of fun, but she wanted to go, so I got her tickets).

Pretty much trying to get her to let me move back in on a more perm. level so I can work on getting a foundation to build on as far as employment and mental stability. Maybe that's ass backwards, but fuck off, I'm a mesed up individual.

Thanks for the kind words everybody,
~KM

Hmm...

2008-10-11T19:43:00.000-07:00

Just felt like writing something, so lets go with my emotion.

I love Meggan. I love my daughters. I love my dad, sister & niece. I trust some other people. I don't trust some others.

Besides all that, I feel pretty good right now. My life seems to be changing for the better. My wife seems to be in a slight state of confusion right now, but I truely think that deep down, she remembers what we had. I feel like she's coming around to the fact that we belong together. Meggan, don't hate me if I'm wrong. Don't even tell me, because this is my sparkle in the darkness. My little glimpse of hope in an otherwise shitty world. Let me have that much. I've been really happy the last week or so. This is the longest I've been feeling good. Meggan has made me smile so many times in the past week that I lost count. It's so good to be content / happy. I hope I get to see her tonight.

~KM

Must be a record!

2008-10-11T00:04:00.000-07:00

This many positive feeling posts in a row, I mean.

My life seems to have a reason right now. What is that reason? To help Meggan remember why we were together in the first place. We're ment for eachother. It wasn't chance, our meeting when we did. I believe that all of this has happened for a reason. I believe we've helped eachother grow in so many ways since our souls crossed paths and I believe this whole situation over the past 2 months is no different. I became a different person when I started taking Meggan seriously the first time oh so many years ago and I've become a different person again. I feel like we've helped eachother to grow as adults and without one another, I feel I'd still be a party-going, booze-hounding, emotionless, womanizing teenage-mentality-having, user. Meggan honed my personality to fit an adult society, and I feel I did the same for her. We have only known eachother 8 years, but we rather literally grew up together.

We've been spending alot of time together. To me, she seems to really enjoy our time together. She's warmed up alot and even listens when I want to talk about us. She's still a little unsure how to respond to some of the things I say, but she no longer seems uncomfortable with anything I have to say. We've discussed everything from just being together all the way to the what-if's of future living arangements... orange shag carpet *drool*.

I dunno if I'm just reading too much into things, but I really don't tthink I am. I feel 'wanted' by her for once. We're still just best friends, but I still hold great hopes for our family. I know she still loves me (she lets me know sometimes... I always say it first, but when she says it back, it means alot to me. I think she'll eventually say it BEFORE I do... when she's ready. She just needs time to remember us. This is my honest oppinion. Nothing is factual about my thoughts on her feelings, and maybe I've stepped out of reality, but I don't feel like I have.

I believe our family is unbreakable and that we can survive anything life deals us.
Think about us, hun.
~KM

It's a bit like happiness...

2008-10-07T04:13:00.000-07:00

Or at least how I remember happiness, anyways. At first, the day started out pretty glum. It progressively got worse and I just decided to say fuck it and go to sleep around 4:30am. No, I'm not usually up then, but I was waiting for someone to get ahold of me. I rolled over about 5am and checked my online messages and recived an invitation to go see said person. I felt a little strange, but after some conversation, I relaxed. After our encounter and talks, I feel like a million bucks for some reason and even though she was half asleep, I believe her words. They weren't overly joyous words or even super encouraging. I just feel like I have a very special place with her. Maybe not at her side as of now, but in her heart and as her companion. I like to feel loved.

I love you, Meggan, and the smile hasn't left my face since I left. You mean so much to me. Even though I got brushed off most of the night, just the fact that you didn't break your promise is enough. I can spend 20 hours being miserable and yet the right words from you in 20 minutes makes me forgett I was ever sad. You're amazing.
~KM

Wow...

2008-10-06T11:48:00.000-07:00

I really feel pretty good today. Thanks mostly to Meggan... amazingly. My "I love you's" are being met with a different responce than usual for the most part, as are my "I miss you's" It's almost like we're still us, just lost from eachother. Her distantness and coldness has all but vanished.

While there's no feeling of us being a couple, there is a feeling of mutual understanding and trust once again. That in itself makes me feel like life is worth living. We've been having a good time hanging out together again, which hasn't been the honest mutual feeling since before this all started.

There's nothing I wouldn't do for her and I feel like she's come to terms with that for once and is just letting me be me instead of trying to suppress my being.

I know you're reading this, and I hope I'm not overstepping any boundaries in what I'm expressing here, but damn I love you, baby. You've made me so happy just by being you.

Here's a song. Listen to the words.
~KM

Hells Bells...

2008-10-05T01:50:00.000-07:00

Yeah, my head's ringing with frustration... but, it's a very strange, happy, confusing, lustful frustration that can't really be defined with words.

I'm not sure where I'm going with this, so I won't type much thismorning, but I was feeling a little expressive and confused all at the same time, so here I am, typing yet again. Kinda like "Dear diary... WTF?!", but the post script would read "Tee-he".

Is there a god? If there is, hey guy, gimme a clue... what's the plan, man?

I had a good day today and an even better night. I think I may have even felt human for a few hours. I forgott what it felt like.

I know I may not be making a lot of sense to most right now, but trust me, it makes sense in my world. Further meditation is required to sort this all out... and some rest. My physical, mental and astral are all in need of a good recharge.

I've hit a turning point at what may very well be the middle of my life, but I wouldn't say it's a crysis, more like an awakening. Now I just need to decypher it propperly. Promise, my next entry will make more sense.

To all: Be at peace with what you are, Don't dwell on negative energy & try to smile about what you have in life as little as it may be at times.

I love you (yeah, you).
~KM

Hmm... (not feeling like a creative title today)

2008-10-04T11:01:00.000-07:00

Heh, sorry.

So, what's new? Eeeeehhh... I dunno. I guess I'm trying to limit myself right now as to how strongly I feel about any & every thing. Time to relax maybe. Been meditating a little and trying to figure out who I am. Still have not come to a conclusion, but I'll get there, ya know?

I love Meggan more than anything, but to what extent do I murder myself over it? Can I do it forever or do I try to find my escape? I wish I knew.... I don't even know where or what my escape is yet. I think about her day in and day out. How do I cope with it, or better yet, stop doing it? No idea.

Right now, I feel like it'll never end, but I have been feeling good because she seems to be finally setteling down and treating me good in the whole 'friends' relationship and not being so distant. I've probobly annoyed her with all my simple questions, but I'n grasping to find where she stands, where I stand and what's real in our world. I miss her really bad. I can sit inches away from her and stiull miss her. Sometimes I feel she misses me... she's not really too excited to answer questions like that, but I know we've been through alot and it has to count for something in life if not love. I'm not stressing anything or expecting anything, I just keep hope alive.

If you read this, thank you Meggan. I love you
~KM

5H3 H4R75 M3H, 5H3 H4R75 M3H N07... (or, "Love: is it real?" the Q&A)

2008-09-30T01:17:00.000-07:00

Hmm... where do I start? Ah, I guess by saying that the lack of bloggage is due to not having internet access for a couple weeks now. Times are tough for everyone around this time of year in Michigan, and the folks I'm staying with just got their service restored yesterday morning.

Alot of things have happened since my last entry here. Meggan and I are speaking again... not on top notch terms, but good enough to make me feel happy and content for the time being. She's polite to me 80% of the time, but if one of her friends wants to visit and I'm there, I get the boot. I feel she's embarased of me, which really hurts me, but she says she's just not comfortable having me around her (mostly male) friends. That it's ackward. I guess I can understand that, but it doesn't change the fact that it hurts my feelings. However, I respect her wishes and try to be as cooperative as I can so as not to make her feel uncomfortable.

We had a little bit of truth or truth talk the other day and I was informed that she is infact not seing anyone right now, but does have a prospect that she intends to pick up on after our marriage is legally ka-put. She's also told me she still loves me because I was her first true love. Do I believe she still loves me? Yes. Do I feel like there's a chance we'll get back together any time soon? No. While I do believe she does love me, I think, to her, the temptation of someone new is too over-powering for me to compete with. I could win the lotto, buy her a home in Spain and shower her in gifts and I don't think it would compare to the idea of a new love life in her eyes. I think fantasy is 100x as strong as reality to her and so, she'll persue this other relationship without thinking twice about me. Understandable, people like new, exciting things, it's our nature. Which brings me to my next set of thoughts...

Am I sane? It's been two months since she left me and I still can't shake the horrible feelings of being alone and terrified of all this. Shouldn't I feel some small bit better about myself by now? Shouldn't I have come to terms with the fact that she doesn't want me back and just start to try and move on? Actually, I have tried. Tried and failed. I wake up every day thinking about her. I fall asleep every night thinking about her. When we visit, it's hard not to just grab her, hold her and bawl my eyes out. Why am I so stuck in this condition? Am I just insane, or is it something else? I don't know the answer to these things. What I do know, is that I love her so much, that when I go to see her, I almost always end up giving her a foot and back massage and that it feels like an hour of pure heaven to me. I miss the way her soft skin feels in my hands, the way she always smells so sweet and knowing that she is enjoying herself. I've always given her these things, but every once in a while I used to complain about it. Rarely, but still... it's true what they say. You really don't know what you've got 'till it's gone. I really miss being home with my beautiful wife, always taking care of her and doing whatever I could that I thought would make her happy.

While the heartache is still there, we are, at the moment, trying to be good friends. I really enjoy her company and I think she even enjoys mine from time to time. Not as much as I enjoy hers I'm sure, but still, I feel like sometimes she just likes that I'm around. Even if she doesn't want to be a couple anymore, I think she is fond of me in the sense that we really can be good to eachother without too much real effort. I have to choke back emotion sometimes and she has to be somewhat forgiving of my mild slips in her presense, but I mean overall, we do get along. We had a nice night together tonight. Not all night or anything, but I think we both had a pleasant time. We talked a little about this and that while I gave her a massage, and that always gives me a sense of self-worth and her a more relaxed body I'm sure. Heh.

So I guess in short, I believe she still loves me, though she's since said she's not IN love with me, but I don't see us together anytime soon. Do I think we'll ever be together again? Yes. Why? Because it's the only little glimmer of hope, be it false or not, that I have left in this life. I honestly believe that I will be a miserable mess for a long time, but I'll wait for her forever. If she never remembers what we shared and never comes back to me, then I believe I'll die alone and sad. I honestly believe I can never move on from this. You can't just give up on someone you truely love. Like I said, maybe I'm sick in the head, I really don't know why I feel the way I feel. I guess it's just what's in my heart and in my soul. It doesn't mean anything to her, but it's part of who I am. You'll never find a more loyal person, this I promise.

There's alot more I could write here. Tons more. But because it's 5 AM now and I'm tired... and due to the fact that Meggan asked I not be too in-depth with my public writing anymore because of some people who like to read here, then hound her for answers, I'll stop writing for now. I'll just end this one with a big <3 and say to anyone that reads this and speaks to Meggan, please, just tell her I love her and miss her. I know it's my fault for blogging the details of my life, but please be respectful. I'm sure we'd both appriciate it.

~KM

Could this be the end? Is it over now? (Things are finally coming to a close)

2008-09-21T12:02:00.000-07:00

The first part of the title is song lyrics from a beautiful song I like. I'll post it here for anyone who's interested in hearing it: Ars Nova - Could This Be The End? The second part of the title is just a description of what's happening.

So Meggan has grown quite cowardess and is terrified and refuses to speak to me, write me or see me. This is a trait she gained from her mother. She knows I hold nothing against her, yet she's too afraid to say goodbye to me. Still I love her.

I guess she has a new boyfriend and she has removed all our pictures from her belongings. She's taken down our frog board from the door and has been telling people how I always treated her like shit and called her "female" and nothing else. Anybody who knows us, already knows different, so I guess it's just to impress her new guy. It makes sense. She told me the same thing about all her previous relationships prior to me. I bet they weren't that bad. Maybe even good guys, who knows? I've never treated her like anything other than a princess and I don't think I've EVER called her "Female". There's about 20 different cutsie names we always called eachother... female was not one of them.

After all this has taken place, I've decided I need to start living for myself for once. I've been moving around some lately and planning my new life elsewhere. I still wont cheat on Meggan 'till the divorce is official because that's the one thing I pride myself in is loyalty.

I have hours and hours of things I could tell you Meggan has done to me, and all the stuff I've done for her that have aperently gone completely un-noticed and on and on and on, but I'm not bitter. I won't be a sour, vengeful person. We'll never be together again, but I still love her. It's just that I've spent too much time grovelling to her to scrape me up off the ground and love me. I've kissed her butt for the past 3 years or so and I just can't do it anymore. I'm not even a man anymore in my own mind.

There's so many beautiful memories of us, that it's really sad for me to be doing all this, but she doesn't have the same memories, so there's no hope for us now. For one reason or another, she's corrupted all our memories and made them something they aren't. Maybe it's easier for her to push me away if she thinks she hates me. I hope she doesn't do it to every man she ever decides to be with, if for no other reason than for the sake of the girls. They don't need to grow up with that confusion. My plan was always for them to grow up with both natural parents and witness a fully functional family so that they'd know what's right and what's wrong, but Meggan doesn't hold my same values I guess. My parents were divorced and hers arent, so I guess we both wanted the opposite for ourselves. I'm not sure why somebody would throw away a completely stable, loving family to go play the field, but hey... some people see the world differently I guess.

As I finish typing this line, I am now removing my wedding band once and for all. I'm very sad in doing so, but I have to keep hope in my heart and look towards the future for a new, better life. One where I might be treated as an equal and not as a door mat that's occasionally used for sexual satisfaction. I really believe she did love me, but not in the last few years. You don't just get married and have a big family with someone for the hell of it. There must have been love involved at some point, right?

Anyways, I guess that's all I can say for now. I'm moving away soon, but I'll still get on to check my messages from all of you on myspace when I can get a chance. I'd like to thank all the people that have been a huge supportive safety net for me over the last few months.

Meggan, even though you're the cause of everything, you still helped me sometimes when I needed it. Sharon, my sister who has been helping me since this whole thing started. Leanne, you've been my only strength. Without you I couldn't go on. Shane for talking to me every day and trying really hard to put me in a better mindstate. Brandy for giving me so much in the way of support, a roof, food when I decide to eat and everything else. Hugo, though you don't say much, I know you honestly care, and that means alot to me. You're kinda like a little brother to me man. You keep me in a good mood some of the time. Meggan's friend (I think her name was Amy) for being really cool and trying to help us get back together. Know I wanted to do anything so bad, but Meg wouldn't give us that chance. Ashleigh & Charon for showing me they still love their daddy. My sisters boyfriend, Will, for being very supportive. TGM from DVD Spot for not hating me and actually giving a shit from time to time. Shannon for comforting me and saying so many nice things that I think I needed to hear and for helping me to the best of her abillity. You and Rob are great people. AMFP from Mt. Pleasant, we'll get on that shit soon bro. Beckie for continuous support and for being a sweetie over all. You're a great support group, haha. And anyone that my mind is too scrambled to remember right now, don't be mad, I've just got alot to do and it's a pretty rough road ahead. Forgive me.

Talk to you all soon,
~KM

I don't even care. I still love her.

2008-09-18T10:22:00.000-07:00

Well, after yesterdays unexpected visit from the police, I was carted off to jail for a nights stay on the grounds that I violated the terms of the "PPO" my wife has against me. That's all whatever. I don't know why she did it, but she did and its in the past. I guess in her eyes, we're back to square one, where I'm evil, having done nothing but love her, and she is godly, having done little other that twist my mind around and hurt me. I said here once that my love is unconditional. I ment it. I still love her without restriction and always will. If this isn't proof of unconditional love, I don't know what is.

I hold no grudges against Meggan, I have no hard feelings over any events and I still love her more than anything. Yeah, my life is pretty messed up and I doubt I'll ever get "back on my feet" without her, but hey, I still have love, and with love comes hope. "Hope for what?" you might say. "She sent you to jail, isn't that enough?" you may ask. But saddly, I can not turn my back on her. Alot of people ask me why I still wear my wedding band. The reason is simple. I love her, our bond ment something to me & always will. Reguardless of if it was just a game to her, it was my life and it will always be a part of my life.

I don't know what else to say, and I REALLY don't know what to expect from here on out, but I will not lose my hope. If I did, it would be a horrible thing, so I have to keep on keepin' on.

~KM

I feel good, but for how long? And when does this ride end?

2008-09-15T22:05:00.000-07:00

Those are my main concerns as of now, second only to "How can I make Meggan happy?". The kids are easy. All I have to do is show up and they're happy with me! :-) If only it were as easy to please Meggan, life would be perfect! Haha.

All day today I've been thinking about her and how bad I need her in my life. The end result was that I broke down again and went to see her tonight around 9:30 or so. I'm trying really hard to give her time to herself to reflect and think about us, but I love her so, which makes it agonizing to not be with her every second.

We talked a little about this and that, I cried a little as I told her how I'd been feeling (yeah, I'm a wuss sometimes, I know), and we decided to watch a movie together. I went and got the movie, came back and gave her the usual as we talked and somewhat watched "The Andromeda Strain". Back rub, shoulder rub, neck rub, back scratch, scalp massage, foot rub & cracked her neck for her. I gave her shoulders and neck a few light kisses, which she claimed to enjoy.

After about 3/4 of the movie was over, she started to get really tired and asked if we could finish the movie tomorrow night so she could go to bed. I agreed and on my way out, told her I was so madly in love with her. She proclaimed that she was also madly in love, to which I had to gulp back fear and ask 'with who?'. But to my suprise and delight, she confirmed it was with me. It's put me on cloud 9 for the time being. It's kinda like when we started dating, but slower and more precise with the movements. That's how it feels to me anyways. It's more frightening and I feel like the proverbial 'Bull in the china shop' when I'm with her. I have to move very slowly and be extra careful or else I could break everything around me.

While I really have come to terms with the fact that this really is my life and not a book or movie, it still feels like a story where two lovers are torn apart for whatever reason and are trying to find one another again. You want the main characters to fall in love again and make the ending so beautiful, but do all books end that way? I hope this one does. Sometimes I doubt that Meggan even misses me, but when I talk to her and she tells me she loves me and misses me too, I'm yanked back onto my feet and believe in our relationship again. I never really doubt it I guess, but I get lost in the filler text sometimes and need her to guide me back to the main story.

I guess that's the easiest way for me to explain how everything feels right now. I'm sorry for any cliches I might have stumbled apon, but this is my real life and isn't ment to entertain. However, while it might be of some interest to someone, somewhere, I hope that some day I can write the happy ending that I so desperately need.

I love you Meggan.

Goodnight.
~KM

I guess I'm hopeless. :-(

2008-09-14T14:58:00.000-07:00

Well... life is pretty bad for me right now. I've been on an emotional roller coaster since my last post here. I wrote Meggan a little poem and a short letter and left it at her door for her a while back. I hadn't seen her at the apartment though, yet the letter vanished. So, I called her just to confirm that she got it and instead, I was invited over to "talk" with a couple of her friends from work. They were nice enough, but mildly intoxicated and I got to hear an ear full of religion. Being agnostic, that's not really my 'thing', but what could it hurt, right? The one girl continued on to tell me how I survived my suicide atempt for a reason and that Meggan had been missing me really bad. I was a bit skeptical of that fact, but I love her so badly that it really didn't matter, I was just enjoying the encouragement, as I haven't had much of that lately. She told me that I needed to accept God and he would help me get my family back. Sounded steriotypical to me, but I opened my mind for a moment and let it all in.

A while later, after her friends were done talking to me, Meggan and I went to the bedroom to talk. I asked her how much of this I was supposed to buy into... is this also how she felt and did I need to accept God to help put us back together? She said it couldn't hurt and after some more discussion, she told me I could come home the following day! I was on top of the world! My babies, my wife and me, just the way it's supposed to be! The next day she came here and told me Ashleigh wanted me to pick her up from school! I was SOOOOOOOOO HAPPY! We left to go to the school and I reminded Meggan how much I love her and the girls. We got to school and Ash was really happy to se me! After that, we went to the video store because Meggan wanted to watch a couple movies. Then we went grocery shopping together. All four of us as a family! Life felt so beautiful! We went home, put the girls to bed and then had some really great make-up sex that'd been built up for a month. We both decided we were still trying to get pregnant, which made me very happy! I'm still very anxious to meet little Keith Michael-Lawrence or IO Joanne-Jean Marsh! Everything felt so good, and all was right with the world again.

The next morning, I woke up, got the girls breakfast, let the cable guy in to hook up our TV/internet and snuggled with Meg on the couch for a while. I suggested we get enroute to get the divorce paperwok canceled before we were unexpectedly divorced, heh. She called the county and they said we needed to go to the court house to sign some papers to have it canceled. Meggan said we could go the next day because she only had to work till noon and thus would have plenty of time to do it. She left for work at noon and I began doing the normal house work. I washed the dishes, put the clean laundry in the bedroom, showered, shaved, took the trash out, replaced the trash bag, played with the girls a little, fixed the bathroom fan and then cooked a nice corned beef roast for dinner. I was a little worse for wear, but happy and warm in my heart.

Meggan came home from work around five. She didn't say much and I could tell something was bothering her. I asked what was on her mind and she told me she wasn't comfortable with our situation and that I had to leave. I was instantly crushed. What happened? I gave her several oportunities the night she told me to come home to take it back if she was unsure, but she wouldn't. I love her so much and miss her so bad. What do I have to do? As out of character as it was for me, I had done what her friend said and accepted God and hoped that it really would help. I thought it actually had, but I guess I was wrong. We had agreed to work things out over time and go to counceling and all that, but obviously, we never got the chance as she booted me back out the door within about twenty-four hours.

Meggan, if you're reading this, I love you so much baby. I'm trying so hard to give you your space, but you have no idea how bad I hurt every day and every night. Every waking moment in general. I miss you so much that my entire body just aches. I need you and my girls in my life to be worth a damn. Without you guys I'm a useless pile of trash. I can't even think straight. I NEED YOU SO BAD! We're not like everyone else in this god-forsaken town and our marriage is NOT a throw-away. We share something SO special. PLEASE don't forgett this, ever! I'm sorry your mother doesn't want us together, but she's not your husband, I am. It's not her life, it's mine... ours... our kids. Why would you be so upsett about Leanne if you didn't want me anymore. I know deep in your heart that you need me as much as I need you... you have to... you wouldn't have faught so hard to win me over when we met if you could just throw this away. I'll never be anything without you. You are my whole world, hunny.

Please download this and think about me for a few minutes today. It would mean the world to me if you would: Download Here

~KM

Can friendship work? (New developments)

2008-09-03T16:19:00.000-07:00

Last night, my friend Shane got some people together to move my 130 gallon aquarium from my wifes apartment. In the midst of all of it, I told him to ask her if she wanted to be civil and speak with me so we didn't have to have all the go-betweens. She eagerly accepted and I went to see her. My hands trembled horribly, but I had to deal with it. It was excruciatingly hard to look at her and not break down, but I managed... for a while anyways. We shook hands and decided we could both act like adults, and for the most part, both had been already. Just alot of confusion because of the indirect route all the messages seem to have taken. We worked alot of little details out and are now on good terms.

She told me she still loves me, and I will always love her. She held me and I held back, we went for a walk together and talked, we sat together and talked, we spoke about the kids and we agreed that there's no reason we cant have joint custody as long as the courts allow it. There was just so much talking between us and it felt so good. Theraputic even.

I'm not getting any hopes up for us to get back together, nor is she, we just stated we still love one another and enjoy eachothers company. I felt like through this whole thing like I was outcasted, a criminal and just a horrible person. Since speaking with her, alot of that has gone away. Of course it also brings up all new issues of sadness and depression, but one day I'll get over it. All things happen for a reason. She's made the "Who knows, maybe down the road..." statement, which is a nice thought, I just wont hold my breath.

Anyways, she invited me over thismorning as well, so we hung out and worked on cleaning up the apartment a little. We started to cuddle up and take a nap, but we only stayed in bed about 20 minutes before she thought of something that needed done, but it was comforting none the less. I miss her greatly at night. After 5+ years of having another body in your arms every night, it's very sad to not have that person there anymore.

She had to leave for work at 5PM tonight, but invited me back around 11PM to help finish painting a small portion of wall and maybe watch a movie together. I asked her if she wanted me there or if it was more a pitty thing and she said she felt better with me there and did want me to come over, so, as long as that's the case, I'll continue. I'm glad we can be friends, but it's going to be hard for me for a while. I don't know that I'll ever lose feelings for her, but this is alot better than thinking she hates me. She said hopefully this weekend they're moving back into the apartment from her moms place and I can come see the girls whenever I want!!!!! :-) Happy me!

My friend (through my sister), Beckie has been a good shoulder lately. She's a sweetheart and I really appriciate her. She has a few things she's working through too, so we both have things to talk about. It's nice to have someone to talk to that doesn't just "yeah... uh-huh..." through everything you say.

So, if anybody mentioned is reading this, Meggan, I love you, Beckie, thank you for being there, and Le, call me back you douche bag, haha.
~KM

A new beginning full of confusion and hurt.

2008-08-30T13:19:00.001-07:00

I guess that's the best way I can describe my life right now. For those who are watching my life from a distance and don't really know my present situation, I'll explain:

After my last blog here, a lot went down. I was basically cut off from the world and buried by my wife. Why? I don't know right now, but I'm sure it'll all come out in the wash. I decided after about the fifth or sixth really big, dirty slap in the face from her, that I'd just lie down and die like she wanted. On the night of the 16th, I overdosed on 60 sleeping pills and about 150 pain killers. The next thing I remember is waking up in Saginaw hospital, hardly able to form words or move on the twentieth. Four days, I was out like a light, from what I hear, very vulgar, violent and spaced out. I have no recollection of anything from 8-16 till 8-20, but from the injuries I seem to have, I can imagine, I wasn't in top condition over those days.

One of my closest friends, Shane, came over on the night of the seventeenth only to find my crumpled body in an odd position in a strange place in my apartment. He and his girlfriend and my other close friend Tony are the only reason I'm here to type this now (the fucking assholes). They called the ambulance, who routed me to West Branch Hospital, who routed me to Saginaw Hospital who kept me for a week and then routed me to the loony bin in Midland for another week.

It's been quite the trip, but none for the better. Since I was hospitalized, my wife saw her chance to run in and secure the apartment for herself, seeing as how that's way more important than saying goodbye to your dying husband (I guess I almost didn't make it a couple times there, and kinda wish I hadn't). She basically told my sister that she was legally responsible for me and would 'pull the plug' if the chance arose. What I've done to so enrage this woman, I don't know, but it must have been god-awful.

When Meggan left, I went to ask the landlady if I could have her removed from the lease and get my locks changed. She told me it would be illegal for her to change the locks, so we'd have to work out who was staying and who wasn't and basically, somebody would have to remove themselves from the lease and that my wife couldn't change locks on me either. Well, when I got out of the hospitals, I came back to Shane's apartment to hear about how all my stuff had been being sold right out of our apartment. Guess what, the deadbolt lock has been changed!!!!!!! I decided enough is enough, day after day I see more and more of my stuff in the dumpster and wanted to salvage anything I could from my apartment, so, today while she wasn't there (don't wanna violate the ppo) I asked out maint. man if he could let me in and help me get anything that was mine. He said he didn't wanna get in trouble, so he called the landlady who told him absolutely not to let me in. Isn't that nice? Somebody lied to me, go figure. I went to my van and found a half dozen bags of junk (some of it mine, some of it just trash). I then noticed, not only had she done that, but she also stole/sold my subs, boxes & amp from the back of my van. She sold my PSP and all 8 or 9 games to some guy for $40. Basically all I got is what Shane could talk her into giving him when she thought I was going to die... My 46" HDTV, my PS3 and a few bags of random DVD's that remained from my 700+ collection. I would guess about 150 DVD's total. I got SOME of my clothes, all of my shoes (3 pair) and some of my games and accessories. My brand new Battlefield Bad Company gold edition and my white dual shock 3 controller are missing in action as of now. I got the charge cord for my Jabra Bluetooth headset, but not the headset itself. She went as far as to send over a wal-mart bag with the vacuum cleaner contents in it. She's thrown away anything I've ever got for her or the kids, and most of the kids stuff in general. Why? No clue.

My friend Jason said he saw her in the bar the other night and she wouldn't say more than two words to him. I reassured him it wasn't personal and that she's been being rude to everyone that's talked to her. I'm not sure what's gone wrong in her head, but she's obviously VERY unstable. Another thing, she wants full custody of our kids, yet for some reason, the night after she took them and left on the 7th, they went down to her grandmas in Caro and have not been heard from since. Obviously she can't even handle taking care of them (as I did most of that over the last two years). How do I prove that in a court of law? I can't I guess, so that one has to slide. I just want joint custody, not to take them away from her. But for now, all I can do is sit on my thumbs and do nothing.

Through all of this, my sister has been very supportive. She's made a lot of the legal headache go away by doing a lot of footwork for me. It's strange, because we've never exactly 'gotten along' but when it comes down to it, I guess she's got my back. Pretty cool. She's been trying to help me be in better spirits too, but to little avail.

My mentality slips from day to day. A very few people have been a godsend. Leanne keeps me in high hopes for a brighter future. She's my oldest and dearest friend.

Every time I think about her I feel like everything is going to be okay. When we talk on the phone, I'm in a different place, where everything is perfect and no bad things exist. It's killing me not to be able to see her, I think it would help me a lot. I think about her every day. Not obsessively or anything, I just really need a friend that knows my story, a friend that's been there over so many years and can be strong for me because I feel weak right now. I hate to burden anyone, but I don't feel like I have a choice now. Liz has been supportive as well, though I know she has her own ulterior motives, haha.

I guess I don't know what else to say or do right now. I just feel like I've been beat up and left for dead and everyone's taking turns shitting on me. Sometimes it even feels like the helpful people are only there because they feel like they have to be. I'm excruciatingly uncomfortable right now and it's driving me insane... if I'm not there already. Don't know which way to turn now.

~KM

It's life, Jim, but not as we know it.

2008-08-10T11:38:00.000-07:00

I don't know, I picked the title up from some flash cartoon I watched with my mom eons ago.
To the point of the ridiculous title though... I have no idea which end is up. About three days ago, my wife got up and went to work. Since we have only one working car at the time, she asked her mom to take the kids to an appointment they needed to go to for WIC. I had got to sleep around 9AM and was in need of a few hours, so my wife came home around noon to let me know that they had asked her to work a 16 hour shift. She then set the alarm clock for me so that I mightn't sleep the day away, kiss, love you, bye.

A half hour later, the clock went off, I woke up, checked on the kids, (they're 4 & 2, thus pretty self sufficient for short periods of time) and everything was fine. I returned to the bedroom to watch a movie so as not to interrupt their trance on the cartoons. Mother in-law shows up, hollers to me they're leaving, the kids come in, give hugs and off they go.

Upon their return, I'm still tinkering in the bedroom (arranging DVD's at the time) and mother in-law hollers to me that they're back and eating McDonald's on the couch. OK, cool. It then becomes apparent that I need to go to the living room to confirm my presence before she can leave. So... out I go. Still, at this point, everything is fine.

Skip ahead from what is about 4PM to the wifes return from work around 11PM. She walks in, grabs a box of diapers and heads out without saying anything. I holler to her from the screen door, something along the lines of "hey, what's up?" and get an upset sounding response that I couldn't quite make out (my hearing isn't that great anymore). I give follow to see what's wrong and get the response that she "can't take this shit, working 16 hours and being yelled at".

Now at this point, I'm not sure if someone at work has yelled at her or if her mom has (as she did briefly say something about her mother in her mumbles) yelled at her, but regardless, I think "oh boy, somebody's got another thing commin' (I'm very protective of my wife and kids and nobody is allowed to give them any shit under my law). She then goes on to explain that her mother has informed her that I had been asleep all day (I guess because I wasn't in the living room when they came, went or came back) and that I am a shitty father.

Well, my heart sunk into my shoes instantly. My wife has always praised my devotion to our family on a daily basis, and then this? First, I was well awake and active for the majority of the day. Second, if that weren't the case, is sleeping some sort of dangerous or criminal activity that has placed my children in peril?

We talked briefly (she was in a huge hurry to leave) and she conveyed that she was "fixing the problem" and that I could "expect divorce papers"...

Still, as I type this, my mind is in total shock. We've been together for over seven years. I have always been a devoted, protective, faithful & loving husband and father. I provided for my family for years (excluding the past 12-13 months due to medical and financial reasons), planned family events, never EVER forgot a birthday or anniversary regardless of how horrid my memory is now-a-days, and have always fully backed my wife in every aspect of life. I've expressed my love and need for my family every day I wake since we've been together to the point of making fictitious monthly holidays to celebrate our bonds. I have forgiven my wife for anything and everything that she has ever done that would upset me, regardless of how critical some events may have been. She has always promised me that our bond is forever and nothing will ever come between us. In return, I have been the best man I know how to be.

Today I wake up to her mother calling and asking if she's here. Here? I thought she was THERE. At this point I become worried (even more, just what I need) and start trying to figure out what's going on. I call her father (her mom called from work) and ask him if he knows anything. Of course, he didn't, or at least played dumb, which is my guess.

Now, it's never been a huge secret that her parents have despised me from day one. They've tried (or at least her mother has, I don't know her fathers level of involvement) to split us up MANY times. From when we were dating and/or engaged, to even after we'd been married for some years. I guess that an honest, loving, providing, caring, respectful and loyal man isn't good enough for their daughter... a bit of single child anxiety maybe. Maybe I'm completely out in left field here. Maybe she's devised this on her own, but I defiantly sense a disturbance in the force, or, the devils hand on the mixing spoon, if you will. This isn't a normal course of action for anyone, on any level.

Anyways, after calling her dad, I decided, okay, it's maybe time to think of the kids more than her at this point. I call the county sheriff's office, who is rude and short with me and tells me to call a lawyer. Okay, bad day at work pal? I then contact the Michigan State Police Post in our town. The officer there is very helpful, but a little lost as to what can actually be done. He suggests that I call the parents again and press them for information and maybe drop a few legal references to possibly persuade them to at minimum, tell me where my children are. He says if that doesn't work, to call him back and maybe we can figure something else out.

Back on the phone to her mom. I ask "okay, what's going on?", and get the response of "you know just as much as I do." Okay, right bitch. At this point, it's pretty obvious that even if they haven't pushed her to leave me in the first place (or bribed her), that they ARE covering up for her. She then says to me that she has customers at the store and has to go. How convenient for her, eh? I've come to the conclusion that her mother is a bigger chicken-shit than I had originally figured, but whatever.

Sooooo I call the State Trooper back and let him know I was unsuccessful at getting any information as to the whereabouts of my kids. He then tells me that my wife had just called and mentioned a personal protection order, and that THAT may be why the county was so brash with me. He tells me he's really sorry, but there isn't anything he can do, but that at least now I know where my kids are. Obviously, they're at the in-laws because my wife doesn't have a cell phone, thus she would only have been able to hear from her mother and call the police post if she were there.

While this made me feel ever so slightly better, I'm still in shock and don't think I have really accepted this yet. If I had, I'd more likely be huddled in a corner sobbing, rather than typing this. I guess I needed an outlet. A PPO? Seriously? What exactly is it she needs protection from? I've never harmed her or the children in any way imaginable. I've defended my wife's honor to the point of physical confrontation with others on at least three separate occasions. She's my reason for living, plain and simple. Would I forgive her for this? As much as I tell myself, no I wouldn't, yes... yes I think I would. No, I KNOW I would. My love for her is unconditional. You know, the type of love people say is only possible from a dog to his master. The kind that human beings are not capable of... yeah, that.

So... how do you close a blog like this? No idea. I'm just sitting here trying to talk with friends and play video games and watch movies... anything to keep my mind from jumping off a proverbial bridge and sending me into a death spiral. I already feel as if I'm not me, but someone else, just watching this from a rooftop. If I actually catch up with my body, and reality, I don't know what would happen. All I can do right now is sit here and wait to see if a PPO is delivered to my door. I can't imagine what that will feel like. I can't imagine what it will accomplish either. Other than maybe it's her plan to keep me from my kids. As it stands, the police have told me I can go get my kids any time I want and that they will escort me if I feel there would be any confrontation in said activity. I know my wife, she's a good mother and would fight me to the death for our babies, and it's that, and that alone which is keeping me at bay. I won't claim her unfit or suggest that she's anything other than a fantastic mother, so I won't enrage her further by taking my children away from her.

The only thing that I can think of that may have triggered her actions, or her compliance with her parents wishes if that's the case, is the fact that she's had thyroid removal surgery because of previous mental health issues where her brain had a chemical imbalance due to a dead thyroid and she has had to take 75 micrograms of Synthroid every day since the surgery... but by my calculations, her prescription bottle here is way too full. If she misses her medication, she tends to become enraged, unresponsive and hateful. Now, regardless of weather or not that spawned her original outburst, her medication is here and not with her. So, she's minimally missed 2 or 3 doses and I'm sure, is just an absolute JOY for anyone to be around right now. It also won't help her come back to reality.

The police said I can have her taken to probate court for a mental evaluation due to the medication, but I don't think I'll go that route. Besides the fact that it'd just piss her off even worse, it wouldn't do any good. Even if they did declare she was a little nutty because of missing her medication, all she'd have to say is that she was going to get back on it.

So I guess that pretty much explains the title of my post for today. Kinda wish my mom was still around to tell me what to do. I'm a 28 year old lost child.

Movie of the Month (08-08)

2008-08-03T00:10:00.000-07:00

(CLICK COVER-ART TO SEE DVD DETAILS)

Fear Runs Silent (1999)

I don't know why this film got such a low rating on DVDSpot. Before I rated it, Fear Runs Silent had a 0.50 star rating.

Now, most people that are familiar with me know I collect movies that feature Cerina Vincent. However her part in this movie was small, so that isn't a factor in my rating.

The acting in the film isn't about to win anyone any awards, but it was watchable. The story was interesting. While the movie's conclusion is somewhat predictable, it's also a little confusing. I feel like it's one of those movies you'll need to watch two or three times to get everything out of it.

There's nothing super convincing about the film, but it's one of the better B-level films I've seen. It's surely a multiple watcher and I really liked it. I don't feel it deserves the low rating it has on DVDSpot. 4.50 out of 5.00 stars in my oh-so humble opinion.

FooF's Movie of the Month Selection

2008-07-22T01:03:00.000-07:00

Just something I wanted to do to keep myself sane. I've been really depressed since I found out what my doctor had to say about my back. Then about a week ago, I twisted my back out of nowhere and couldn't hardly walk for about three days. Depressing, depressing, depressing.

So yeah, fuck it. I might do more than one a month, but anyways, Movie of the Month will just be a title I find to deserve special notice. I'll try to write a little short review with it and include the DVD cover and a link to the details on DVDSpot.com. Here goes:

07-22-08

(CLICK COVER-ART TO SEE DVD DETAILS)

Wow! Jack Ketchum is my new hero. I really liked "The Girl Next Door" but this one was INSANE! One of those edge-of-your-seat, soil-yourself films.

I read another review on this page before I watched the film today and thought this might not be so hot, but I was pleasantly surprised.

If you're a fan of fucked up, graphic, violent murder/thriller movies, you have to give this one a shot. There's some good gore in a few spots as well. I won't go into detail on the film other than to say the main character is a very disturbed individual.

I'm a fairly big fan of Stephen King, but Jack Ketchum is on a whole other level. Not to mention that both of the films I've seen based on his books are based on true stories.

This movie is not for the faint of heart or the weak stomached. A solid five out of five stars from this movie fanatic!

New stuff... kinda.

2008-07-09T02:31:00.000-07:00

Well, it's 5:30AM and I'm about to go get a little sleep, but I just had the urge to post here.

First of all, as promised before, a couple pictures from my little fishing trip, lol

Here's me with the Bass I caught:

And here's Me, my Bass and my best friend (2nd only to my wife) my dad:

Had my neice spend the night lastnight. She's a good kid and we had fun. Her and my daughters get along great most of the time.

Been playing Battlefield Bad Company alot lately as well as some Super Stardust to rack up some of those new Trophies on the PS3!

Recently added "Fear Runs Silent" to my Cerina Vincent DVD collection. And just watched my second Jack Ketchum movie "The Lost". Wow, what a movie. Click the link to it there and read my review!

Well, that's about it for now. I had more to post, but I'm really tired and I'm sure my wife would like me to come to bed :) G'Night.

~KM

Oh, Hi.

2008-06-26T00:11:00.000-07:00

So, it's been a while since I posted. Battlefield Bad Company came out yesterday. I actually upgraded to the Gold Edition a few days before it was released, so I got the one with the pretty box and instant access to the level 25 tier of weapons.

The game itself is abso-fucking-lutely amazing! From the weapons and movement, to the graphics, scenery and just everything about it. As always, the main focus (for me at least) is the online play. I have been playing the single player game a little bit tonight. Couple hours anyways. Good storyline. So yeah, also, I completed all the tasks to unlock all five of the "Find All Five" weapons! Here's an updated list of what to do, incase anybody hasn't got it figured out yet.

#1. Pre-order

#2. Sign up for the newsletter at findallfive.com

#3. Max your rank on the demo

#4. Register 2 or more Battlefield games at veteran.battlefield.com

#5. Check your (full game, not demo) stats on the website

I don't own 2 Battlefield games, so I rented Battlefield Modern Combat for PS2, created a user account on it and used that and the Gold Edition of Bad Company as my 2 games to unlock my #4 gun.

Been out golfing alot lately, no better, no worse, guess I shouldn't complain. I have fun anyways.

My sister and her boyfriend took me and my dad fishing the other day. My dad and I caught a couple of nice bass, and hopefully soon, I'll have the pictures she took of my fish. Unless it's something I like to eat (ie. Trout or walleye) I fish for sport and always catch and release, so the bass all went home after the event, lol. While we were at the river, I caught a Spotted Adder, which is a water snake native to Michigan, non-venemous of course. I brought it home for our 4 year old daughter because she wants a boa. We decided that if she can handle the Adder for the summer and keep him healthy, we'll let it go at the end of the summer and think about a real snake a little bit later on.

My wife and I went to a dam close by the other day and found a little baby Skink (Michigan's only native lizard). He's dark brown with a bright blue tail, and about 3" long. He's taken up residence in Ashleigh's Tadpole habitat for now. She'll be excited to see all the new pets when she gets home (both the kids are at Meggan's grandparents house down state for a couple weeks).

I got 10,000 B.C. on DVD at midnight of the release date. The movie was pretty good, I gave it a solid four out of five star rating.

Other than that, not much to tell. My doctor told me today that my spinal problems are un-operable and that basicly, I'll be on drugs most of my life and there isnt much of an alternative. I dunno, I guess I just hope I don't live to be too old. Guess we're never promised anything coming into this life, eh? Oh well.

BattleField: Bad Company, Qore & More.

2008-06-11T22:43:00.000-07:00

So, BattleField is gonna be 'it' untill the release of Socom Confrontation. I pre-ordered for the PS3 yesterday. Loving the demo so far. Enough so that I sold my copy of Call of Duty 4. There's just no comparison. This game makes COD4 look like butt. I've got 3 of the "Find All Five" items.

#1. Pre-order
#2. Sign up for the newsletter at findallfive.com
#3. Max your rank on the demo
#4. Reach a certain amount of posts on a message board maybe?
#5. Check your stats on the website... I think?

If anybody is sure of what 4 or 5 are, let me know.

So I also joined Qore on the PSN and got the game Calling All Cars and the first issue of Qore (Yearly subscription fee is $24.99).

The first issue makes me happy because it's got alot about the new Socom. Looks so great. Qore also gives you access to the Socom Beta (when available).

Calling All Cars is a cartoonish little game, kinda kiddy type, but still fun. The online is okay if you can find anyone on.

In other news, The finches were fine for 2 days after we got them. On the 2nd night, the female died. The store gave us a new one and 2 days later it died. Thismorning, the male was dead.

No idea what the hell happened. They were healthy and eating, taken good care of, etc. It shall forever be a mystery I guess. $45.00 well spent... pffft.

And finally, I updated my top 5 most wanted DVD's list a little further down the page here because I purchased one of the DVD's that was in it. So to all those thousands of people who want to buy me shit *rolls eyes* check the new list.

W00T!

2008-06-03T22:08:00.000-07:00

Went golfing again today at The Fox with my buddy Alan. Yay for me, got my first par... finally. Not only one, but three! AH-CHA-CHA-CHA! Other than that, not much new right now. Went to my daughters school socialazation thismorning and enjoyed the scenery... if you know what I mean. Got "The Darkness" for PS3 today. Didn't like the demo on PSN, but the price was right, so I got it. We'll see.

Oh, also got a pair of finches today. White female and a tan male. Here they are:

Golf & Folding

2008-06-02T19:45:00.000-07:00

Just wanted to post about this little golf course I found in my area. It's a par 3 course called The Fox. The owner/manager seems like a cool guy, and the course is pretty fun for the money. $10 for 18 holes, $6 more for a cart. The first time I went was with my buddy, Shane, & we walked the course. Went again today with my sisters boyfriend, Will, and we rented a cart. Either way is fine with me. My score for the first outing was an awful 106! Today was better with an 82. Still not good, but alot better. I'm sure things will improve with a few more outings. When we got done today, nobody was in the clubhouse, but I really wanted to buy a hat, so I left a note with the full amount plus a little extra behind the register. I took the picture with the PlayStation Eye (PS3 camera) instead of digging out my digital cam, so that's why it's a little fuzzy.

On another note, I wanted to let everyone know I'm an avid user of the PS3's Folding@Home program which donates hard drive / CPU usage of your PS3 to medical studies at Stanford Junior University.

This program allows users to join teams and donate as a group. If you would like to join a Folding team, please concider joining the team I'm on. It belongs to my friend Hermus and the ID number is 90916. I believe we're ranked something like 5000 in the world. Not too shabby if you ask me.

Top 5 wanted DVD's on my Wishlist.

2008-05-31T18:46:00.000-07:00

My top 5 most wanted DVD's. (UPDATED 06/12/08)

The Jerky Boys (1995)

The Adventures of Mark Twain (1985) Teeth (2007)The Day the Earth Nearly Died (2002)

Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law: Volume Three (2005)

My Obsession: Cerina Vincent

2008-05-31T15:52:00.000-07:00

In my oppinion, Cerina Vincent is the hottest actress alive.

Cerina Vincent Filmography:

Power Rangers Lost Galaxy: Return of the Magna Defender (1999) .... Maya/Yellow Galaxy Ranger

Fear Runs Silent (1999) .... June

Power Rangers in 3D: Triple Force (2000) .... Maya/Yellow Galaxy Ranger

Not Another Teen Movie (2001) .... Areola

Darkened Room (2002) .... Girl #2

Cabin Fever (2002) .... Marcy

Final Sale (2004) .... Cerina

Murder-Set-Pieces (2004) .... Beautiful Girl

Intermedio (2005) .... Gen

Conversation(s) with Other Women (2005) .... Sarah the Dancer

It Waits (2005) .... Danielle 'Danny' St. Claire

7 Mummies (2006) .... Lacy

The Surfer King (2006) .... Tiffany

Sasquatch Mountain (2006) .... Erin Price

Pennies (2006) .... Kimberly

Just Add Water (2007) .... Merl's Wife

Everybody Wants to Be Italian (2007) .... Marisa Costa

Return to House on Haunted Hill (2007) .... Michelle

The Prince, the Pimp, the Jackal and the Spayed (2007) .... Andrea

Dynamic:01: The Best of DavidLynch.com (2007) .... Girl #2

Toxic (2008) .... Malvi

Fashion Victim (2008) .... TV Reporter

My first Randomness...

2008-05-31T14:10:00.000-07:00

My PS3 gaming pal, HugoDePayenz has inspired me to start my own nonsensical blog here. W00T! Dunno how long I'll be motivated to keep it up, but let's give it a shot, eh?

I recently picked up a boxed set of DVD's entitled "The Alien Files: UFOs Under Investigation". It contains 5 DVD's each containing 2 episodes of some Canadian television show about some of the most famous UFO investigations in history. Everything from Roswell to things like the Chupacabra. I watched the entire 10 hours contained on these DVD's and must say I was quite impressed with the contents. Alot of different angles are explored on alot of different topics. Overall, the set was WELL worth the five or six dollars I paid for it on Amazon.com.

Other news: I went out shopping for goodies the other day and found some good PS3 game deals at K-Mart. Tiger Woods PGA Tour 07 for five dollars, same with Madden 07 and NHL2K7.